Saturday, October 18, 2008

Throw the key away

I sit here, on a Saturday night feeling a little low. We had a bad day. We go from having great days, great weeks, and one bad day and that is what I seem to focus on. Wyatt is screaming again. Oh...the screaming. It is awful. It's like he forgets for a moment that he knows how to speak and reverts back to a year ago when he had almost no vocabulary. It is like his brain is going haywire, something has set it off...and I fear that we will go back. I pray and I pray. God, please help me, help him. I know there is a key to the window, it has begun to open, more than halfway most times, and somedays it is almost shut again. WHY?? I feel so bad for him, he is now aware when his behaviour is out of control, I see it in his eyes. The right vs wrong, Jekyl and Hide thing that he can't stop. But he knows he should, he wants to...he just can't. At least not today. I think that I play a big part in what makes or breaks the day. I need to be more patient. He is so focused on making me happy, he asks me 50 times a day if I'm happy. If he misbehaves, I try to label my feelings by saying, Mommy is mad, Mommy is happy, ect. If he is a cause of my unhappiness it really bothers him, almost breaks his heart. I try to tell him, that he makes me happy, but sometimes things that he does makes me mad. I don't think he understands this concept yet. I feel that I need to do more. Maybe try the diets that others have tried, supplements, vitamins...the list goes on and on. At least then I can say that I did it all. At times like this I feel very selfish. Selfish for focusing on a few bad days instead of all of the great days. I need to stop this, it is so consuming. He really is remarkable, all of his therapists seem to think so. But, I am desperate for him to be just like all of the other 3 1/2 year old "typical"(I hate that word now) boys out there. He is not there yet. I know he'll always be a bit different socially. Like so many people are, and I am ok with that. I just want his mind to not go haywire, like some little gerbal on acid running frantically on his wheel in little Wyatts head. I see his greatness. I see his beautiful eyes looking into mine, when he's excited or happy, showing his joy with me. I see his brightness, his humor, his wit, his love for me. It's just the days when he can't seem to express himself, when he shuts down, when he's screaming and hurting and confused. Those are the days that make me angry. Those are the days that I feel like screaming myself, of telling Autism to go F itself and leave us the hell alone. But I am determined. Wyatt will be all he can be. Wyatt has passed milestones already that amazes everyone. Most people don't know that anything is amiss, unless of course it's a meltdown day. Then they think that we are bad parents who don't discipline him enough. I just feel like I am missing something. There must be a reason why his brain goes crazy...help me find the answer!!...I spend more time explaining why Wyatt isn't Autistic instead of accepting that he is. I am not there yet. I don't know if I ever will be. It is not denial. It is just that he isn't quite Autistic, so to me there is a different reason, something that I haven't discovered yet. He is being gently pulled from the world that he had begun to create for himself, and loving the world that is more than just him and us. He isn't he same boy that was assessed. And I am so grateful for that. The prayers are working, the therapy is working, and he is changing. I just need to be more patient. I need to be patient, but I need to be more pro-active. So, those who read this thank you. Thanks for lighting a fire under me, writing this makes me realize that I can do more. I can help him more. Read more, talk more, listen more, be a better mom more. So here I go. I am determined that he will be pulled from this. That his window will be wide open, no screen on, no key to lock it. Help me pull the rope, pray for us. xoxo

2 comments:

shandy said...

Can you feel that? Thats the 4 Walls from NY pulling the rope!

Amber said...

I've got both hands on the rope over here too!
You guys are always in my prayers, stay strong :)
Love ya!